Splatoon 2 Global Testfire Impressions

Stage 1 - Denial

It's the morning of March 24th, approaching noon, and I've gotten my nice new Nintendo Switch out to play some Splatoon. Starting soon, the Global Testfire will start, and as a huge fan of the original Splatoon on the Wii U I'm looking forward to seeing how things have changed. The supers are all brand new, there's a new kind of weapon in the Splat Dualies (which allow for rolling, how fun!), and the maps are all new.

The hour rolls around, and I boot up the game. A tutorial lets me get the hang of the controls, which seem largely unchanged from the original game, and I'm quickly shown the weapon select. I select my old standby, the Splat Roller, and the test starts connecting me to the game. Or, it tries to, at least. After a little bit, a connection error message pops up, and I'm booted back to weapon select. I try again, and the same thing happens. Try again, same thing. I look up information online, certain this must be a widespread issue, but...no, most everyone else has gotten in, enjoying themselves.

I find a few scattered reports of issues, and I try their suggestions. I restart my Switch, no dice. I double- and triple-check my internet connection, and it's green across the board. There is, as far as I can tell, no reason that I should be unable to play the game. Yet, I still get booted out. I post a joke on Twitter, complaining that there's no Squid Jump to distract me like in the original game, all while continuing to try, fruitlessly.

The hour ends, and with it the test, but my hopes remain high. The server tests for the original Splatoon were rough at first as well, but by the next time I was able to connect no problem and start splatting. I look forward to the next test I'll be able to join in on.

Stage 2 - Anger

It's 4 AM, the following morning, March 25th. I got home a few hours ago from a pretty rough shift at work, my feet still hurt, and I'm still a bit annoyed at some stuff I won't go into. But that's all in the past, and now I'm about to jump into the Splatoon 2 Global Testfire, which is about to start another hour of testing. I hop in, pick my weapon, and...the same thing happens. Can't connect.

I go through all the same motions as last time, restart the console, check the internet, everything's good, everything's working, why the fuck can't I play this game? I start trying different weapons to see if somehow my choice of the roller is preventing it from working, no luck. I'm already tired and annoyed, and now I can't even play this goddamn video game. Great. I post into a group chat that I want someone to complain to about this, but it's four in the goddamn morning, nobody's around. I go to sit next to our router, get as good a connection as I can, but nothing works. Around this time, I notice that it's always around 2 measures of music, the same two measures of music, before I get booted around, but it's never the exact same amount of time, always ever so slightly off.

I go back to my computer and am quite surprised that someone has in fact joined voice chat. I take a moment to remember that it's not 4 AM everywhere, then hop in and start my complaints. They lend a compassionate ear at my understandable frustrations. They tell me what they thought of the game, which doesn't annoy me as much as I was afraid it would (though I still make a sarcastic comment). Apparently Rollers have some momentum now where they take a second to roll at full speed? That's weird, and feels super unnecessary, but so did making the Kraken super in the original Splatoon completely useless by the time they stopped updating it, so who knows.

We shoot the shit about the original Splatoon, and our likes and dislikes about it. We both agree that skills shouldn't be tied to equipment anymore, so we can just be stylish, and that Nintendo will likely keep that stuff linked to equipment anyway. The entire time I keep trying to connect to a match, but no luck the entire way through. Eventually, the hour ends, and I've still put absolutely no time into Splatoon 2. I thank my friend for lending me their ear, and go to bed, setting my alarm for before the next test starts. I end up sleeping through it anyway.

Stage 3 - Still Anger

It's 8 PM that night, and guess what, the same shit happens. Can't connect. Earlier today a friend of mine who lives on a rock with bad internet and doesn't own a Switch tweeted about how they were playing Splatoon 2, which definitely wasn't rubbing it in my face but also definitely felt like it a little bit.

I spoke to the same friend earlier and apparently Bill Trinen, Senior Product Marketing Manager and notable public face of Nintendo of America, noted issues related to Comcast, the same ISP which I am unfortunately bound to. I check, and he is able to connect just fine to the current one. He is now tweeting about college basketball, and I guess I hope the team he was rooting for did well.

My thoughts wander to the worst case scenario. What if this is just how the game is gonna be? I feel like I'm one of like 7 people on the planet who can't get in, what if I'm considered an acceptable loss and Nintendo just doesn't do anything because hey, most people aren't having an issue? Splatoon 2 was one of the reasons I spent 300 dollars on this, what if that's just not feasible? I tweet to the official Nintendo of America account asking what work is being done between sessions, but I might as well scream into the void. The void does not scream back.

Stage 4 - Acceptance, And Definitely Not Anger Or A Different Kind Of Denial

It's 4 AM on Sunday, March 26th, and there's another hour of testing, the last hour of this group, but who cares honestly. Splatoon wasn't that great anyway, I guess on a floundering system like the Wii U it was alright, but it was overrated in retrospect. Who cares about the sequel to it? Even if you did, it all looks the same, they haven't changed anything, so you might as well just play the one that actually fucking works instead of this new piece of garbage.

You know what game is better than Splatoon 2, probably? Nier: Automata. This game is rad, and I'm starting my second playthrough, and it's already pretty crazy. I'm still trying to connect to the Splatoon 2 servers, but not because I wanna play it, I just feel like I have to, if I want to be able to speak with any sort of authority on video games I should play all the games I can, even if I don't care about them even a little bit. 

You know what else is definitely better than Splatoon 2, which I know because Splatoon 2 is dumb? Persona 5. That's coming out in like, a week or something crazy like that, and I still need to beat Nier: Automata like 4 more times or something before it comes out so I can see all the endings, which are apparently all pretty amazing. Who has time to play some dumb multiplayer paint game, that I just checked again and nope still no connection shit, when I have to beat a game that many more times in a week? Not me.

Definitely not me.